status: the darkest part

i wish i could be handed something small, eith soluble or i could swallow. in it could contain some form of anesthetic which is able to dry up every tear that could ever form in the corners of my eye, able to stop every sharp heart beat which burns everytime i inhale a breath too deep, able to deafen my ears with some form of plug which could stop any form of foul tongue from demons, able to numb my mouth from any taste of regret or depression or love or hate or deception, able to stop the blood from running to my hands so they are cold and hard and when they touch someone they will run away and every object will seem false and i wont beleive its there.

- intoxicate me with something that can take away all of my senses so i am left with nothing but my mind to haunt me of what i cannot see, hear, feel, touch or taste. because in the end reality is the heavy metaphor i fear most. reality brings everything down to gravity. and gravity keeps it there to stay for good. so take away all of this from me so i can finally realise that i'm not getting out of hear and that i'm here to stay.

funny how i need a halusinative drug to make me realise the worst of it all.

hit the heart-brakes

i've just lately come to the term of

"you can be so alone even in the biggest populated crowd you could think of"

meaning you could be in somewhere, say china, and go into the middle of that famous square in beijing and have thousands of people around you - including the language barrier and not knowing a single soul - and feel like your somehow the only person alive on this earth. as if everyone else around you is a robot or a very large shrub of some sorts... somehow you are the only living being.
when i picked up my little brother and sister from 'Dream World' the other day - i cannot see how a blog of metal and screaming children throwing up fairyfloss can be a "dream world" - i realised how much i really hate theme parks. yeah there's the adrenalin rush on the rides and all. but who wants to throw themselves up 50m into the air strapped into a contraption that could quite possibly slip out of its screws and then lead you into your plumetting death? now i realise why people throw up at the end of the ride. i could be sick now just even thinking about it.

so i've come across these photos of an abandoned theme park in Japan. and to me it somehow made me realise the beautiful side of such a 'dream land.'

however; i still think i'm going to feel alone in a place like this.. what couild be the cure to this?!

luce as a medicine / loneliness still an addiction

the lovely luce came and visited me for a couple of nights. certainly served as a substitute for my loneliness as of late. but somehow i still managed to feel that black pit echoing "alone!" in between my ribs and around the back of my heart, tickeling my soul.

we managed to have some nice moment together though. Wednesday we went upto Brisbane to see the "Optimism" exhibition. i brought my canon eos 300 with me. manged to sneakily snap some shots of the art present there - however, i havent developed the film yet.
that night we watched movies and caught up on how much we've missed eachother since graduation. Thursday night was Louis's 11th birthday so we took him out to a japanese restaurant - Arigatou Tapanyaki. the meals were absolutely amazing; as per usual. the night ended with Luce and i ordering Cold Rock ice-cream under the famous recipe of Fallon's! was so delightful and fullfilling! thank you Fallon ♥

Today really consisted of Luce and i relaxing to The Hives, Tokyo Police Club, Meiko and Radiohead. then we headed down to Robina to the pictures to see "Marley and Me." was very cute and sad little story of a family with a dog. made me appreciate my puppy so much more when i came home.

my current state: an addicion to the worst possible thing you could ever want to get stuck in - other than quick sand. i could say i'm "lonely" but i could also say im "happy." both could be a lie both could be the truth. both could be thoroughly contemplated and argued for many hours on end. but i'll just chose to sit in silence to the sound of my shallow breathing, the weak rain outside my window, the piercing shine of the steet light in the distance of the hill i live on, the harsh voice of 'Right away great captain' through my speakers, the biting of my nails, the grumbling of not only my stomache but my heart yearning for the nutrience of someone elses heart throbbing for mine. every tiny sound produced melts very quickly through my ear canal, down my throat, through the capillary veins running, splitting into millions of tunnels through my lungs, in and out of my left ventricle through my heart and out my right ventricle, through a million veins of my lungs, up my throat, and out of my mouth. all of which then travels back through my ear and repeats the painful process. like im inhailing my worst fears.

i need a cigarette.

my struggle of just trying be alone / some additional notes on the last few days of enjoyment:

these last 5 or so days as i was back up at the coast were very enjoyable. however; i do like to come home to a silent room full of an insense burning and some subtle folk music in the backgroud. the sunday night i didnt quite end so sweetly as family relitives didnt serve me this luxury. being swallowed into a forced awakening of 'family boding' just doesn't ooze as well into my scene. as much as you may adore your surrounded blood-ID i just don't adore their personalities. i generally just like the fact i have a big family. doensn't neccessarily mean i like their qualities and interests in life - as most of them live so far away in this desert like country, and i am drawn away across the world to see my mother's side of the family; somehow i have more of a liking to the people who see "more" in life as apose to the people who can only see through their bedroom window each morning and are only able to vision patriocy as appose to what else might be out there in the big wide world.
so my night ended badly with me having a short 5-8 minutes panic attack on how to deal with these hyenas in my hallway howling to the spear-like noises they call their sense of humour.

i've awoken this morning to the sound of child-like screams to the immature jokes of spongebob squarpants. lay in bed for about 2hours and 30 minutes untill i could hear only but the wet breeze lightly touch the screen window, and the flies buz flutter near the dog bowl, and the drip of the oil from underneath the car into a black pool of toxins, and the whisling breath of the cat at the end of my bed, and the tapping of the notes tacked to my wall, and the tiny ripples along the soft surface of the pool's water from the scaping wind, and ofcourse the cracking of my mind awakening to this beautiful world full of its wars and its malls and its small pleasures.

Notes of happyness of being blind whilst i intake people and their sharing assets and accessories.

so the past 5 days back up at the coast were just as amazingly fun as they usually are. especially since i spent alot of times with the friends i only spend about 20% of the time with when i'm up there spending 80% of my time with the people who tend to make me loose my mind to gravity. so Tuesday and wednesday night were pretty sweet. stayed with Brock tuesday night and Mitch came over after work at the chinese. we took polaroids and drank vodka in plastic cups. sleep came around 4AM. then for Wednesday we op-shopped till the early afternoon and Grace, Shaye and i headed off to Woodford Folk Festival.
which was absolutely amazing - best experience i've had in a while. it all consisted of people dancing around with harsh clouds of smoke above our heads and small round buttons of oval shaped powder under our tongues. we all had pupils as big as the moons surface - a black moon. it was an evening of extravagant delight. the countdown to the new year fell out of the sky and onto our bent smiling faces so gracfully as we all kissed eachother under the title of bliss. i was in awe of how much love i felt.

within the next few days that followed that really consisted of being within the yingyang soul circle of Grace and i. i left for Prue's house on friday evening where Kelly and i ate sushi at her work and i got commented on my tye-dye dress by a complete stranger who stated "did you know cooking up one stake to eat equals the same carbon admission into the atmosphere as a car drive from here to brisbane?!"
i left on sunday morning, early, to end my journey from wonderland and begin a new one here back at home.

the beginging of a journey - the beginging of the rest of my 2009.