but i will see you again?

as shit as my feelings are and as shit as my heart may look i still can't be held back from the drooling pile of words that fall from my mouth. i have no idea where i am standing with myself anymore. where i stand in other peoples' lives. i thought i had that recognision of how much i meant to someone.. i thought the two 'T's in trust were the meaning of the two of us combined together within eachothers worlds. could i be going back to what i used to be? as disgusting as it makes me feel i think i possibly could be. and then if i did, i will never get what i need let alone what i want.
there's no I in alone. that's why i think alone is such a harsh word. because you aren't even there to be accounted for. you are nothing. you are a noone.
i continue through my mind the rushing lyrics for City and Colour.

"So, now you're not there
But your ghost still burns in the air
Finally above us the waves have come
To take you away

And with this song, I'll say goodbye
And thank you for what you've done to my life
And Finally I'll say it with love
I hope you're at rest in the stars above

And I don't understand what you died for
We still could have given so much more
And I know you are something I could never be
But I know you're still there watching over me"


whilst rampaging through some old documents on this computer i came across an old poem i wrote when i was 15. (not the best period of my life). reading it now makes me feel absolutely terrible about what the fuck was going through my head then.. it just sounds so juvinile and silly now.

"Dear babbe.
Well. This is it. Me.
Here, writing an unrequited memo to you in Microsoft Word Document.
Can’t seem to find any other way to express such a misery:

Here I am lying.
On my bed, dimmed by the luminosity of my night light,
This hovers close to my skull.
And the alcoholic beverage I have in my left hand
Bullies me to swallow quickly.
I drop the swig and put it to the floor..
Twas then I curl my body into an apostrophe.

I think of you.
Pretty much a lot.
Sleepless nights,
Slumber in the day,
Insomnia follows my corridor.
Bitten fingernails;
Just as much chipped like the curved edges of my heart
Which crack with every stare you take.

I just can’t do this anymore.
Cannot seem to find another way..
Self murder has a say
I pronounce that a lot, pretty much each day.
Just like life
It fades and fades.
We could just end it..
With a whip of a knife.

If only you knew
The ache of my essence.
For it bleeds as thick as blood
And as fast as the blink of your eye.
The blink you take to look away from my display.

The three words I crave to say
Are becoming rather sore.
My mouth just wants to spit them out,
But my tongue is numbed as every other muscle in my body.
The center shaped heart I comprise
Is shot with a local anesthetic for now.
See what a flick of your hair can do?

Ah but your name.
Yes your name is not only chanted through my mind all day
But has taken the daring to tattoo its letters
All through my skin.
Selfishness?
Yes.
For all the ink I have taken to put you in my casing
Has yet not left enough for you to one day do so in my return.
Therefore.
With such a contamination of a deadly substance.
You have put me to my death."


what am i suppose to think once reminising about something like that? did i have anyone then to talk to? so instead i just wrote the darkest lyrics upon my life at the time? could i still do that now? could i ever stop doing it? i suppose i feel like i don't have a... i don't have one MAIN person in my life i feel that i could tell absolutely everything. not saying that we all don't have atleast SOMEONE we can talk to. but sometimes i think we all feel like we are just so alone we can't find any possibly candidate for that moment. i don't think i could go through life without that person. i've been looking for that person ever since i was 8 years old. and as sad or juvinial as that sounds, i am honest on this. it would be great to have just one person in your heart. i want one person. i need one person. i've come close a few times. but somehow, at the moment, a few times feels like too many times and i don't know how much longer i can keep hiking through the many falling knives in my way.
can i do this anymore? will i do this anymore?
who am i anymore?