am i falling?

tonight was a lonley sort of night but slowly became a very warm one as old friend Mariah gave me a call. 1 hour was all we needed to have our little catch up chat. she reminded me how much she has always and will always mean to me. we remenised about the past and how good those times were. we also talked about how much has changed between everyone and their friendships and family situations. karam was mentioned on behalf of some people.. but somehow i think karam can come back really harsh, but then again, maybe they are just harsh people themselves and deserve every bit of it....? well all i know is how much i miss all of those messy kids from "home." and i definately can't wait to fly up with Rasha for the Villiage Arts Fest. and maybe, hopefully i will run into the boy i fell inlove with for a night: Ira.
to end this i think i can accept being alone sometimes as some sort of blessing as it forces you to think about your day to day problems and all the good plans you have ahead of yourself.
maybe i'm conquering my fear. maybe i'm transitioning into a new one.

somebody's bed will never be warm again

it's getting later into the evening and colder into the atmosphere. sitting in my room by my self doesn't really help the scenery. although the level of noise is so still it's unbeleivable.
am in a very strange state of mind this afternoon. a little bit today but more so now. i don't think i can explain it.. i suppose i'm just recognizing how i'm becoming older everyday as apose to every year. i think differently on seperate subjects of everyday life, and how those answers must be come by. when looking into the mirror i am seeing the same face i've seen ever since i can remember, but i am starting to notice this "older" sense of myself that i haven't seen before. the side of me where i think i could be ready for anything at the moment. "expect the unexpected." and i'm not feeling too phased by many things lately either. i think i'm begining to just think out of things to the point where i don't notice how i knit through my sentences in a conversation. seems like i've been coming across to others as things i definately do not intentionally like to be seen as. it's not the best moment.
i suppose i'm just so sick of this place right now i'm wanting to be somewhere else in the world. literally anywhere right now sounds better. i don't feel like i've been invited into an inviting room for so long. that out of place feel. maybe it's just here.. or maybe i'm changing. whatever is it, i do hope it's all for the better because right now, i honestly think, i cannot be bothered or phased to change for anyone. am i lazy? i think i'm just tired.

BLANK

so i'm sitting in my ancient history class contemplating which i would rather do: research the ancient persians and their vile explicit wars OR research the many fashion icons of the world and remenis about how i would love to be as fabulous as them.. obviously i've chosen the easy wasy out by blogging about this one whilst scampering throughout my inter-web pages of frocks and glitter.
i'm feeling like a blank canvas lately. with not much to be filled with, just too much white, too little inspiration. actually i think i have alot of inspiration, just not enough kick in the ass for it to happen.
although last night i did have beth there to make sure i got that big kick. lately i've been trying to finish this piece i've been doing at art college. it's a landscape of The Great Barrier Reef. actually just this huge mess of blues, greens, yellows, purples and blacks. i've had assitance from fallon and beth which has really added to it quite well. i'm glad i have such art-ful friends there for me. it does make the whole process much more enjoyable and exciting.
in ten minutes i will be exiting the building into the art room with beth to bask in the glory of ripping off the blue tape to the three window piece i will be unveiling.


i wish i could unveil a few other things this week, but i think i'm enjoying my own company for the moment.

formal occation Act 2 Scene 3!

whilst rampaging throughout the many strange and intesting things the internet provides i came across the Ell Fashion Awards. everyone looked utterly amazing as people usually do at those kind of events.. the best dressed i would have to say would be Alexa Chung. she was seen wearing a Luella Pink Prom Dress from paris fashion week. absolutely fucking amazing. i think i've decided to have it made for my next up coming formal event for my graduation.
the dress just brings about this cupcake feel with a whole lot of femanin softness. i love it how it resembles this cute little dancer figure but also really classy and fun. i want it!
also her date accoumpaning her looks divine:

PLUS i researched a few likely candidates how aren't also very good looking but also have good looking tuxs' that could be of choice to co-regent with the pink prom dress:








It's all absolutely greatly exciting. i don't know how many people are amped for this closely arriving event, but i definately am. dressing up as something famous for one evening revolving around you and your best friends.
what more could you want?

the best present

i have now been informed that not only will i be attending splendour in the greass 2008 but every single one of my friends will be. i think this would not only be the most amazing birthday present for georgia and fallon but also me. i feel like one of the most epic dreams has come true. i cannot begin to explain how unbeleivable, utterly stoked i am.
going to be an experience of a lifetime and i'm going to live it.
i love my friends,
i love my music,
i love my life.

special days, empty beds.

today was strange.
but fullfilling. and brave.
status: generally happy.

a heartbreak from both ends.

she knows who she is:

"So there goes my life
Passing by with every exit sign
It's been so long
Sometimes I wonder how I will stay strong
No sleep tonight
I'll keep on driving these dark highway lines
And as the moon fades
One more night gone, only twenty more days

But I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now

And there goes my life
Passing by with every departing flight
And its been so hard
So much time so far apart
And she walks the night
How many hearts will die tonight
And will things have changed
I guess I'll find out in seventeen days

But I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now

My body aches,
and it hurts to sing,
and no one is moving
And I wish that I weren't here tonight,
but this is my life

And I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now

And I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now"


status: not goodbye, but i'll see you soon.

you have 1001 messages!

i am so so sick of my phone and the message space that comes with it. literally after 80 messages within the inbox i am informed by my phones alert system that i have too many people messaging me. it's almost like a parent telling you you're seeing too many people in a space of a weekend. in my opinion i don't think there is such thing as having too many people in your life. i see it as a positive. so as for my message bank, it can get fucked. i will show motorola and buy myself a new phone with a much larger message space which likes me having lots of friends to talk to.

speaking of.. lately i have had a few encounters with some friends from the past. very interesting friends. one i have definately missed and i will always miss. he is the only boy who's watched me grow from what i considered myself (a developing mess) into a mess and out. and now seeing me as what he once was when we first loved me. it was all a very interesting process and still is. whenever something is bad to happen in our lives we always seem to come back to eachother, no matter how bad the situation is we are still about to relate to one another. the closest thing i think i have had to love. not technically saying that it was the kind of lovey dovey, first love bullshit, i think it's the kind of love for someone where i could never let go because we have given and taken so much from eachother. we both know how impossible it is to get rid of one another. but we both know how easy it is to get eachother back into our lives. as strange as it sounds, this whole "discovering" myself shit has really payed off in the end to have been in my face the whole time. i really can move on because, quite frankly he's been there the whole time. i know i have alot to pave down about how we really fit together, but i know we could work it out if we really had to. fallon knows what i mean. though on a certain level, everyone is different. everyone is alone in this fight for a recollection of thought.

how many hearts will die tonight?

i can let go now.
i am at peace.

but i will see you again?

as shit as my feelings are and as shit as my heart may look i still can't be held back from the drooling pile of words that fall from my mouth. i have no idea where i am standing with myself anymore. where i stand in other peoples' lives. i thought i had that recognision of how much i meant to someone.. i thought the two 'T's in trust were the meaning of the two of us combined together within eachothers worlds. could i be going back to what i used to be? as disgusting as it makes me feel i think i possibly could be. and then if i did, i will never get what i need let alone what i want.
there's no I in alone. that's why i think alone is such a harsh word. because you aren't even there to be accounted for. you are nothing. you are a noone.
i continue through my mind the rushing lyrics for City and Colour.

"So, now you're not there
But your ghost still burns in the air
Finally above us the waves have come
To take you away

And with this song, I'll say goodbye
And thank you for what you've done to my life
And Finally I'll say it with love
I hope you're at rest in the stars above

And I don't understand what you died for
We still could have given so much more
And I know you are something I could never be
But I know you're still there watching over me"


whilst rampaging through some old documents on this computer i came across an old poem i wrote when i was 15. (not the best period of my life). reading it now makes me feel absolutely terrible about what the fuck was going through my head then.. it just sounds so juvinile and silly now.

"Dear babbe.
Well. This is it. Me.
Here, writing an unrequited memo to you in Microsoft Word Document.
Can’t seem to find any other way to express such a misery:

Here I am lying.
On my bed, dimmed by the luminosity of my night light,
This hovers close to my skull.
And the alcoholic beverage I have in my left hand
Bullies me to swallow quickly.
I drop the swig and put it to the floor..
Twas then I curl my body into an apostrophe.

I think of you.
Pretty much a lot.
Sleepless nights,
Slumber in the day,
Insomnia follows my corridor.
Bitten fingernails;
Just as much chipped like the curved edges of my heart
Which crack with every stare you take.

I just can’t do this anymore.
Cannot seem to find another way..
Self murder has a say
I pronounce that a lot, pretty much each day.
Just like life
It fades and fades.
We could just end it..
With a whip of a knife.

If only you knew
The ache of my essence.
For it bleeds as thick as blood
And as fast as the blink of your eye.
The blink you take to look away from my display.

The three words I crave to say
Are becoming rather sore.
My mouth just wants to spit them out,
But my tongue is numbed as every other muscle in my body.
The center shaped heart I comprise
Is shot with a local anesthetic for now.
See what a flick of your hair can do?

Ah but your name.
Yes your name is not only chanted through my mind all day
But has taken the daring to tattoo its letters
All through my skin.
Selfishness?
Yes.
For all the ink I have taken to put you in my casing
Has yet not left enough for you to one day do so in my return.
Therefore.
With such a contamination of a deadly substance.
You have put me to my death."


what am i suppose to think once reminising about something like that? did i have anyone then to talk to? so instead i just wrote the darkest lyrics upon my life at the time? could i still do that now? could i ever stop doing it? i suppose i feel like i don't have a... i don't have one MAIN person in my life i feel that i could tell absolutely everything. not saying that we all don't have atleast SOMEONE we can talk to. but sometimes i think we all feel like we are just so alone we can't find any possibly candidate for that moment. i don't think i could go through life without that person. i've been looking for that person ever since i was 8 years old. and as sad or juvinial as that sounds, i am honest on this. it would be great to have just one person in your heart. i want one person. i need one person. i've come close a few times. but somehow, at the moment, a few times feels like too many times and i don't know how much longer i can keep hiking through the many falling knives in my way.
can i do this anymore? will i do this anymore?
who am i anymore?

christman in juvinial july

friday night was cindy and mel's 17/19th birthday at the Mylk Bar. found it to be quite an evening. arrived with luce and rasha and two mouth fulls of pink champagne. throughout the evening it was as good as it could get without having the mess monster take over everyone's physical beings. beth and i danced our way through the manic dj's sounds and screamed about splendour in the grass 08. (which by the way is next weekend!) although there were certain people i definately didn't want to run into whilst drunk i found my way avoiding it by getting sweet available boys to buy me champagne with strawberries dipped in them. as much as i didn't want to seem available to them.. i don't think people now days get the "message" or "perseption" that just because your boyfriend dumped you, you are already on the rebound? not true. well on my part anyway. i may not neccessarily be happy alone but i would rather be stamped with that status rather than with a 'scattering among many' status. yes my big pink bow brought about attention.. but unfortunately it did not grab the one being i wished it had.
on an ending note i ended up walking to jayne's house with adam, luce, cal and courtney in the early hours of the morning. chill there for a little and then decided to taxi it home with luce to where which we ate doritos and fell asleep to the sound of eachothers laughs from the eventful night that we had just encountered in.
saturday really didn't consist of much other than getting my hair done and dropping luce back into school to get some work done. that night natasha and i were invited to jaynes for a "few drinks and giggles." that went down..... okay? with 20 guys and practically 5 girls the night was nothing special. i was ignored again. i was sad again. i went to sleep alone. again.

new and old scandalas

finding out old news and turning it into scandalas news.
a lover i dont have to love.
status: alone but warm.

another short note

i find it so confusing as to why people come up with reasons to let go of something they might not neccessarily need to. people say there is an answer to every question. but sometimes that answer can be wrapped up in a secret and hidden for who ever knows how long. and maybe you never will get a grasp on that final recognition of reason. i guess when something's done it's done. one chapter after another. it just feels so much better when you get further and further through that book of life.

i think i could say i'm happy to just share my bed with myself.

future and a bit of last week.

so new zealand last week was not so great. ended up getting sick and just not loving life completely. hardly got to speak to friends and the boyfriend at the time.. content was nothing of the topic at the time. i found myself watching season two of prison break and seasons two and three of niptuck. they are now simulaneously my favourite shows now. taking many photos of the atmosphere seemed to be the only thing i could comprise my time with. i found that NZ does have some kind of freaky beauty that is quite appealing. almost like the narnia that was filmed there... i felt i had found my narnia.















i've certainly found some sort of existance of harmony whilst capturing these shots. they seemed to be the only thing bringing me back to reality of what i should be focusing on:
i have a problem with being way too naive about things and peoples actions. the one person i thought i had so close to me turned out to be not there at all. maybe for the first five minutes, but after the clock's arms grab something else other than the numbers it's then you must begin to wonder. i thought i could love someone's sneezes more than anyone elses kisses. i thought alot of things. but i guess i have many thoughts on many different things. i'm only young. i have the rest of my life to get my heart ripped off my sleeve.
over and over and over again.