INfatuation

today was a nice day.
spent 1PM at broadbeach with Ash. we ate turkish bread and specially friend squids. plus two sides of lemonade. i found it towards the romantic type. a little later we headed home to read the latest edition of RUSSH together. i found it utterly, insanely, lovely how he found an interest towards it as he read it along side me. it almost felt as if he was reading or looking into me as an interest of topic. i found it cute. 4.30PM ended up going to see a film: Kung Fu Panda. was very funny. full of screaming and giggling children. but we ate cinamon donuts up the back and i swear we endorced in a little dozing off in between ever 15 minutes. mamma made seafood spaghetti and some nice bread of sorts. this went down well. we also watched: Cat's and Dogs on the television. i love those ninja cats.. following on some nice cuddles continued after this with some more intellect into our new found obsession of reading RUSSH together. few small kisses, long time span snuggles. all went well. 11.40PM sitting at my desk. missing everything listed from above. i just wish a magical house would build itself filled with all the insanely awesom things ash and i discussed today as to what we would put in our house. and fill it with two beautiful babies, free of any phycotic ADD disorders. have a low built-in sitting/table area just like the japanese. drink lots of green tea, lemon and honey for ash. and eat as much calamari as we like. it's a nice thought. it's a nice night.
it was a very nice day.

spontaneous one?

tonight is an odd night.. a very cold one at that too. can't seem to recall where my thoughts are or have gone to? i thought i had figured them out previously. but maybe i'm back to the begining again tonight. or atleast chapter 2 or 3. not interested in tea, orange juice or chocolate coffee. just interested to where in the hell has my lover gone in my life? i don't go out tonight primarily due to the fact of knowing he wouldn't approve or atleast equally agree on the idea of who exactly i was joining for to dinner tonight. not making him sound terribly but i just think, not everyone get's along. actaully that's not a personal opinion that's a world wide one. it's the whole reason why we have wars. disagreements of all types are thrown around. and let's just say, the whole saying, "agree to disagree" is the most ubsurd thing i have ever heard of. no one does that.. unless they are in an argument with their mother. that's when you just agree to anything to hear her shut up.
BUT besides the point.
tonight is just one big blur all over again. this last 85hours has been horrid. spending this many days doing NOTHING i think is driving me bonkers. yes i have had calls to go out but for some reason i am not "interested." or is it "bothered." either way they are both not nice things to obtain in a personality. i just don't know. seriously considering going to sydney tomorrow. it'd be colder down there. more excuses to get clothes and nice shoes. warm shoes at that. i would ask lover but.. i dont know where he is. and i don't just mean geographically, i mean relation wise.

where do i go from here? and without looking upto the heavens, which is something i would never do regarding my beleifs in nothing on those terms, i look to the crazy movies as my answer.
"Maybe i'm a girl, interrupted." - for the time being. or maybe just tonight.

a formal occation

friday the 20th of june was the night of the tss formal occation. lovely Ash invited me along with him. i think at first i didn't think it was the best idea, but in the end it was possibly one of the best things i'd said yes to. arrived in this chic black ute with some r'n'b music pumping out of it.. it was chic to ash not me. swear i almost lost my teeth from the impact of the music's trail of speech. so nervracking at the arrivals. over 100 people at the entrance screaming your name with camera flashes everywhere. i barely knew where i stood or who i was suppose to be. but all in all, ash had his hands and arms tightly wrapped around me little frame. as i was practically nothing in the dress i comprised in. way too small for my size.


the night followed with photos, both professional and anyone who held their own digitalised, imortalised, cameras. then we followed into dinner, with two nice presentations on the senior boys of 2008. also noting the fact that one of the comentators was quite merry. merry to the point where backflips on stage suddenly seemed highly appropriate.







I must say after the professional photographs i could not stop laughing at the fact of my face looking so unbeleivably nervous!
BUT throughout the night i had my lovely friend georgia by my side with a promising flask of vodka in her clutch. this made it's way through most of the tables at dinner, leading people to the eager thought of how close the after party was.

am just going to quickly go through the after party experience.. as i can't quite recall the "quick" experience in itself. the night consisted in a small valley not too far from my house. everyone attended. there was the "slothly" dressed and the "over-dressed" and the "weird dressed." i was catagorised as one of the weirdly dressed. wearing a backless black dress and some very high brogue heels.. i'd say that wasn't a wise choice. considering i felt like we were replaying some scene out of "The Sound of Music." yes but frollicing in -Degrees isn't the best attire choice either. but all in all, it was a great night. i ended up falling or should i say "passing out" in Ash's arms and being histerically dragged to a taxi at 3 AM.

waking up the next morning to georgia's face was possibly one of the happiest i'd seen in a while. partially because of the fact that she was still a bit drunk, i know she was happy to see me as.. alive? she is a great friend. an alcoholic one, but a great one.

fine day

what a fine day. sitting in the office drinking some chocolate coffee listening to sigur ros. leaving me in the best mood. researching some artists for a major piece of will be doing somewhere between today and last week of term three. creative images are also putting me into a graceful aroma.
reminising about splendour is also another subjects on my mind. am in utter dispersment of joy due to finally getting my ticket last week. and going with some of my closest friends just makes the expierence better and better. relating to sigus ros, listening to them play live will be something you couldnt not begin to interpret into the english speaking language. so good.
so for now, i will embark back on my journey of intense illustrations of what the mind portays and take another sip of my chocolate coffee.

dreamer-holic

dreaming is one thing i have not been able to do lately due to my huge lack of sleep! even writing now at 8.06Pm i am just so resteless!
finished one of my last longest exams of this test block. have but only one more to go! and it happens to be the only one that requires any before study time in hand for it. which doesn't make matters any better.
i am on the breach of tripping over a cliff into a sea of needles just awaiting to prick my juicy, blood-shot eyes.
taking "nodoes" is definately something i do not guarantee for anyone. yes, they do keep you awake. no, they do not maintain your control of sanity or regain of a proper sleeping pattern.
atleast i have something to look foward to this weekend, considering this last week and a half has been a total night-mare with the stress thermometer raising higher and higher towards suicide celcius! friday night am seeing with tash, julian and candy: Angus and Julia Stone, live in concert at the art center. following satuday picking up formal event dress for ash. saturday evening driving up to mt tamborine with ash to bask in many other newly-wed couples... possibly sitting around a camp fire and talk about how cute each and every one of us are together. maybe a few drinks and then an early night... or an extremely late one. sunday most likely a late drive back with ash into civilisation. sleep most of the afternoon and then into the next week which involved alot of pampering towards the night of friday which i have been dredding over for the last 5 weeks.
but like i have said.

i am content.
for now.

and so another Chapter of my life

Coming from last night i think i may have found the answer to myself and what might be instore for me if i continue.
after watching "2 Days in Paris" the other night i think i came to the realisation of what's really been going on for me. my whole life has revolved around this relationship status that i can never actaually explain to myself. or other people for that matter. after watching this movie a sense of realisation had come to me, as i know understand what "title" or definition i could be put under:

"It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses."
- Julie Deply


after reading this my meaning in life (relationships) and what i want know or could possibly want in the future has definately changed.

from my night out last night with a new date, i have come to the conclusion that the more and more i like him the more my heart opens up for him. and i mayb not want to give my heart out straight away, i don't mind opening little cracks everyday for him.
every minute becomes another reason to condone his trust into somethng that could become so much more.
i am at ease now.
i am content.

"Don't tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody"

Coming to the end of the day. a cold evening awaiting green tea treats and maybe a french love film. i've been feeling so tired lately i can't begin to even explain why. i know i have a "sleeping disorder" and always have. but then again; who made the rules up about sleeping at the right times?! i dont know.
think i might just continue on a contemplation of... well i just don't know anymore.


status: awake

You're the YELLOW BIRD that I've been WAITING for...

I think i've figured myself out.
and what i want in life; it includes me being alive, well fed, well loved, well clothed, and most of all, just well in general.

everybody's waiting for the war to end.

So i'm sitting here in my office.
It's 11.07PM and i can't seem to find any form of determination to finish this recollection of thought onto the topic of "The Catcher in the Rye." I tell you i am sick of reviewing over and over of the verions of childhood adolesence! It doesn't matter that much to the world! yes J.D. Salinger does have some great points in the book... but i'm just not so interested in the concept of writing an essay about it's relevance to today's youth society.

On another note, reading the book tonight has certainly put my mind into a different shade of lighting. i like to think i can think like the character in the book.. although i think the writer has created someone very diverse in a way that it makes him sound so different from everyone else. does that mean that most people who think different from everyone else should be put into asylems? maybe there are alot of people who dont think the same... maybe we shoould all be put into asylems? should we all be admitted to a place where we will be talking to out of insanity? how could anyone do that? how can someone sane turn someone insane in the first place? wouldn't you have to be insane to tell someone else they are insane? otherwise how else would you know this?
there are so many rhetorical questions in the world that just make no sense. a statment of beleif.

My friend Fallon pulled me across to this artist tonight, Daisy M Tulley. she's connected to the sydney based band "Bridezillah" and they are great. a bit of a miz between cat power and other acoustic sounds near that area. been listening to her all night. brings across almost a message of how the world needs to be fixed and adds a cute melody to almost every cord she illlutrates through her strings.
my mood tonight is very content. it's made me think very much into what i want and what i could possibly need in the near future..

relationship status: not single or alone.... but not taken or commited. i am a mix right now. chocolate or vanilla flavours i cannot decide. we all know having them mixed is just being greedy. and that is definately one quality i do not like to carry around in my pocket.. i think for my whole life i am going to feel like i "need" someone by my side, holding my hand. right now i do have that option. but i don't know if i need it. ofcourse we all neccessarily love the attention from other people. but then would you call it greed if you don't know 100% if its what you need?
Greedless, adjective
Greedsome, adjective
— Synonyms avarice, avidity, cupidity, covetousness; voracity, ravenousness, rapacity. Greed, greediness denote an excessive, extreme desire for something, often more than one's proper share. Greed means avid desire for gain or wealth (unless some other application is indicated) and is definitely uncomplimentary in implication: His greed drove him to exploit his workers. Greediness, when unqualified, suggests a craving for food; it may, however, be applied to all avid desires, and need not be always uncomplimentary: greediness for knowledge, fame, praise.
—Antonyms generosity.

Is this what we really want to feel when we come to a human being we are contemplating on sharing feeling with? key word; sharing.
Sharing:–noun
1. the full or proper portion or part allotted or belonging to or contributed or owed by an individual or group.
2. one of the equal fractional parts into which the capital stock of a joint-stock company or a corporation is divided.
–verb (used with object) 3. to divide and distribute in shares; apportion.
4. to use, participate in, enjoy, receive, etc., jointly: The two chemists shared the Nobel prize.
–verb (used without object) 5. to have a share or part; take part (often fol. by in).
6. to divide, apportion, or receive equally.
—Idiom7. on or upon shares, on the principle of sharing the profits or losses of an undertaking: They agreed to work on shares.

To greed and to share are one of the main opposites of the world. but when it comes to a heart between two people, the mind gets confused, and so do feelings. so greed in itself can be over-ruled as a "want" can mean so much more to us than a "need."



What is it in life that we are really looking for?
Someone to love?
Someone to share something with?
Somone to contemplate what greed is between one another.
To know all of this we would have to share the concept of a feeling towards one another.
But do we have the heart to do this?
I just dont know what anyone thinks anymore.