i'm ready when you are

this evening a few thoughts flew through my mind once being asked if i'm involved with anyone at the moment... i did realise that over the last six months of being single all i've been thinking and replying to any form of a situation about relationships is im far from being in one any time soon. have i just been saying that due to putting my mind to rot in past experiences?

well i'm over living in the past and very much into the idea of actually letting myself go and into "fate." letting fate actually go through me and grow with me. i need to ooze into my present and future.

so i've decided i'm definately going to europe in september/november. and even if i don't get that job in france i will stay in london and start living a new chapter of my life. there will be no dwelling in the past. all for new experiences.

and who knows; i might just fall in love or in life.

she's 18; she don't know what she wants

considering i haven't written about my life since i moved out of home i thought tonight i might chip off a bit of the iceberg because its starting to get quite heavy upon my shoulders...

so confess;

since i've moved out i've realised how hard it actually is for someone to take the consideration of actually hiring you for a job application. that's sucked.

also learning to budget. espcially budgetting money thats not even yours.. that makes thing harder most definately. so that sucks also.

then there's not having a car and always having to use public transport! i mean i like an od bus ride but they start to get agitating when you're soon to be charged adult fair as appose to student. just because i dont have a stupid card to prove my occupation! i mean i think it's pretty obvious... again that sucks aswell.

so what is there to look forward to once in the independant lifestyle.....

i can now smoke and drink whenever i like - that sounds tuff - and have sleepovers all the time! boys even. buy what food i like.. and go to bed when i like. wake up when i like. wow i'm quite boring.

i suppose i've actualy become a bit more lonely. not as frequent as i used to though. i can see people whenever i like really. my social life is much more existant than last year. i love not having school. and family responsibilities.

.... but sometimes i miss that. seeing all of your old friends every day.. even living with them. and seeing your family everyday.. that gets sad. missing your family pets and yelling at your little sister for becoming cooler than you. ahhhhhhh well. this is all about growing out of that life any into the next. ofcourse you don't leave everything from the previous life to nothing. no, you take it along with you in pieces, little pckages that you can keep in your pocket. so everytime you decide to unwrap one its like a present. a little treat to remind you what you still have. even in your new life.

so i recently became 18. finally "of-age."

thenight didnt go exactly according to plan but it went well enough i suppose;

all in all the night was quite lovely because at first i was with the people who mattered to me most.

so now im just going to chil doing what i know best; be myself and live it day by day.

untill then aaaaaaaaaaadios.